It seem as if I only ever turn to this venue of expression in dark times. In re-reading what I have posted it is easy to notice the changes in my mindset. I began blogging as an attempt to document my overall adjustment as I discover who I really am. Years later, it seems as if I am still in the process of finding that out. Changes are the overall theme of each and every post, and this change was never supposed to happen.
Much of the demise of my latest relationship should be attributed to my own actions, although they are not. Whenever people ask me how or why we split, it always comes back to a mutual discontent with who we each became and how we both dealt with our lack of happiness. Personally, love is an intense emotion that cannot be denied and for the last few months I have reallocated that emotion, but have never denied it. This isn't necessarily bad, but obviously not ideal when you have entered a commitment as real as the one I was in.
Bottom line, I am here to move forward. Once all is said and done, and all loose ends have been tied up, I will without a doubt focus my efforts into erasing whatever changes (and compromises) I have made in my self. While I did not mind the alterations I made to my own fibre, it is still obvious to most that I wasn't me. I was a shell of me but didn't really know it. I simply attributed the changes to being a part of growing up. In hindsight, this was not the case. While both aspects of the my evolution complimented one another, I am still back at square one: discovering who I am.
Returning to my previous posts, I see exactly what I need to do. I need to travel. I need to experience. I need to live. I have always maintained a desire to be elsewhere. While I am grateful to have experienced what I have with this last relationship, I know that it has only added fuel to my fire. It has simply made me want to scratch the travel itch that much more. I now know that it is in my capacity to embark on this journey alone. Previously, I have desired a companion in most of my journeys, specifically that of the female variety. While I would embrace the possibility of going off on adventures with a female friend, there aren't many that can cut it.
I cannot help but call my recent actions into question. Why did I decide to neglect certain responsibilities? Was it because I was done but didn't know it? Was it because I was mirroring what was most common in my relationship? Was it because that is all I know? I really hope to answer this question soon. Otherwise I will always be on the go.
The coming years are something many are looking forward to. On a personal level, this is when I embark on a journey into the unknown. As long as I have my iPod and my laptop, I should be more than fine. I am in the process of figuring out where I will go and what I will do, but I can guarantee that it will certainly not involve the person who has neglected the efforts I have put forward over the last two years. She has asked me not to hate her forever. I will not. The truth is, the emotion I feel towards her surpasses hate. I loath her for her actions and selfishness. It probably didn't need to get to that point, but neither of us helped that situation out.
Many people have provided this generic line of advice: Time heals all wounds.
I say fuck that. These wounds will heal on there own and the scars they leave will be reminders of what I will never do again. There is no doubt this entire ordeal will shape my future interactions with many people, but it is how I deal with this that defines who I am (at this point anyway). While I may have some regrets within the relationship, I have yet to regret the way I've handled the end of it all. I find that whenever something comes to its demise, I am well-equipped with the emotional prowess needed to move forward.
-dig a hole in the middle of the street, dig it down, dig it down six feet deep. you should know what's really going down below...
