Day-to-Day with a Case of LIFE

This one goes out to all those that are no longer with us, and all those who are affected by the voids of life. A lot can be said about friendship and the bond that people share. Strangers is a word that will be used less often as our world progressively becomes smaller. Instead we will likely see words such as associate or frequenter. Its alarming to only a few, but there's no turning back. We (the human race) are looking into a magnifying glass and hoping that a pandemic wipes people off the face of the earth. Logically, if there is a real cause for concern, they're will be a draft for prime survivor candidates-- all those who are in top physical and mental form will get a pass to the second round, while the rest will be liquidated. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Of course this only happens after all the volunteering fails. Volunteered death... a sacrifice for the bastards of our race to live a bit longer.

Who do we carry the torch for?
Do we believe in anything?
Do we carry it around just to burn things down?
What did we learn?
We're a voice that never sings.
We are freezing over hell.
We are bringing on the end we do so well.
We can only blame ourselves.
Swept under the rug...
It worked on the campaign trail.

Thoughts Written Out

I really don't know what to think anymore. I mean, this girl is driving me insane (its cliched to say-- I know), and i can't stop thinking about how I'll likely fuck this up. If I do, does that mean i revert back into the comfort zone or do I branch out a little more? The odd thing is, even though I feel the way I feel, I still end up finding myself in situations that could land me in hot water..... or will it? See?! I don't know!

Is it shame? I think its fear. Probably fear.

I'm lining myself up to become broken. I've always believed it only builds more character and in turn you become a better person for it, but I underestimated how painful it would be.

The positive spin is how all of whats going on in my life now is sparking more and more creativity. It could be my growth as a human being. It could be my departure from certain aspects of my life. Clear and sober or high up my tree, its difficult for me not to be filled with words and ideas and emotions etc.... etc... etc..

Peace&Love

Wednesday's Events

Wednesday night started when Billy the Kid hit the stage and her raw voice hit the pickups of the mic. After a few songs and some banter dealing with her bassist's mustache; a revolutionary hit the stage and was one of the many highlights of the night. His name is Jared Paul and he has opened my eyes even more as to what is going on in the world today. He is a spoken word poet and a friend of many activist and artists. If you ever needed to hear what he has to say, now is the best time. Seriously.
Once Jared finished his set, Raine Maida was up, and it is unquestionably one of the greatest live shows I've ever been to. His wife, Chantal Kreviazuk had an amazing rendition of the Pixies' Where is my Mind? Her voice silenced the crowd as much as Jared's performance did: you could literally hear a pin drop in both instances. Back to Raine who was taken aback by the applause and support of the Montreal scene. He asked to take the crowd with him because of how great the applause and cheering was. I think this is because people from here know what is and is not relevant. We can filter out the bullshit and concentrate on what is real.
That entire night was truly inspiring and I urge you to look into anything that provokes your mind. I know I have. Look out for me.

Untitled

Photographs are not meant to capture a moment, they are meant to spark a memory.

Realized

So I've come to a few realizations tonight, some of which are relevant... others not so much. One is that I have a future in teaching. I really would enjoy having students and affecting their lives for the better. I'm not talking about guiding them to what I believe is right, I'm saying I can be a real teacher, and a cool one at that. So, for the first time, I can honestly make this statement: University, here I come! I'd be a pretty cool teacher. I can captivate an audience, although some people fall asleep to my voice. Pffft....

The second is that I haven't had a dream in months. I should make an appointment with a neurologist. They can help, or perform a lobotomy.

Lastly is that I will have a car within a months time. Certainty is key... I must believe before I can achieve.... thats an asinine thing to write. Either way, if I accomplish that it will set me on my way to the future that I now believe I have.

All of these revelations came to be because of a night spent with very good, very level-headed friends. I should definitely be with them more. They all seem to bring the best out in me and if they can motivate me and be my life's catalyst then I know they will be around forever.

Cadence

I've been exposed to levels of creativity recently that open my eyes considerably. It kinda makes me feel like the kid who gets picked last in gym class. I know thats not the reality of the matter, but I often wonder if I should have put more energy in other aspects of my life and if I still have time to do so. I don't believe those doors are shut. I think I need to drown the urge of permanence and certainty. I think that my creativity needs a way to be amplified. I think that I can no longer be anchored by my past decisions. Ideally, I'd get on the road and drive. Aimlessly. Drive across the continent and make my way to nowhere. Its just not that easy, so for now in entrenched in reality and realism and realestate of the realists.

Failure is not Flattering

So whenever you start off with something new, the last thing you want to do is fail. Jobs, projects, relationships. The last thing I want to do is fail at any of the things I listed, but if I succeed, who else fails. I apologize for the ambiguity, but I'm feeling pretty vague. I've always felt like I was born in the wrong decade, I live in the wrong time. Its not like I have a DeLorean that reaches 88; but I kinda wish there was a way I could experience another time.

The good news is that I'm doing all that I can to enjoy the now of life, and I can't help but think I've found someone to share that with... it may be soon, but I no longer feel like I am in an empty room.

Secrets keep people in business. I've got a few lifetimes-worth of secrets vaulted up. I listen to people and try to imagine their issues as a screenplay, trying to figure out what they opening credit sequence would look like to their biopic movie. If other people had the final cut of my biopic, I'd have some explaining to do. The perception others have of me is unique. My reality is problematic. "If people only knew" is the most appropriate saying.

Oxford Comma

"If it feels natural do you go with it?"

The answer should always be yes.

I can't really say why, but from experience you should say yes.... Every once in a while you should act spontaneously, it can only benefit you in the long run and add to your experience in life. I think I've been doing that for the past few months. I'm not so much becoming a different person, but I am actively writing new chapters of my life. This should be Chapter 6: Developing a Plan. That seems appropriate. I have chosen to be more methodical. This could be seen as a downfall to many people, many close friends especially. I can't justify my actions with the simple answers of my past. I've always been impulsive in what I say, sometimes that gets me in trouble, but it seems that most people appreciate it.

By no means do I live to shatter dreams, but in achieving my goals I will step on some toes.

The Chills

so, home, hammered and emerald-ed...

they say that sticks and stones can break my bones.... clickety clack!

i was about to be a godfather. the feeling was comforting and then fleeting and then gone.

ambiguity.


sunday is gonna be a day of wreckoning. as fun as it seems i miss me ill lady. i show her off as much as i can. she is changing my views. she beats my drum down in Mexico, Tijuana's here we go....

Jesse's cabilty is vital. I hate being forced into social contexts that are absolutely meaningless. I'm sorry.

AoTY en Spectacle

The Artist of the Year show was swell! Great performances from National Parcs and AoTY themselves. Super chill, super fun! I'm just super happy i got to see them live. There were some seizures to be had, and some beer to be consumed. All in all, a great night!

~~If it ain't dirty, it ain't fun!

Stalk-home Syndrome

So everyday, I've been dragging my ass onto the stupid bus so i could breathe in re-recycled air with about 80 other people who I likely don't know and there's always this one overweight, awful-smelling deaf guy who sits in the same seat and plays with his cell phone. I swear he's taking pictures of people. He's damn creepy. I though I'd only have to put up with that sloth in the morning when I'm half asleep and groggy. I was wrong. He got on the same bus on the ride home and insisted on placing the mass that is his body directly next to me. I looked at him, stared blankly, and turned and walked to the back of the bus. He is the definition of gross. I hate him and I don't even know the man.

I'm pretty excited about the Artist of the Year show tomorrow night, the downer is that I have to leave class early to get there for their set. This is the same class I've skipped to go car shopping among other things. Speaking of which, I'm set on a car. Its sweet. It will be mine!

From the Future to the Past

...plant a tree someday with all intentions of visiting it in thousands of years.

There's a healthy outlook. I mean you obviously won't live for a thousand years but you can intend on visiting it. Right? Right.

This is not a plug for the Arbor Foundation
"Come Thursday" he said, "I'll be on shrooms".

Meanwhile at Wayne Manor

You know that huge letdown you feel when you look at you cell phone and realize that you battery meter isn't full? When its two bars instead of three? Yeah, I think I'm coming to terms with constantly experiencing that. Constantly. I went to Campus Mackay lastnight. It was.... well, Cheers. With the exception of the doormen being different and the average age being above 18 that was it. The same old place. The same old feeling, except more awkward. There were enough people there yet it still felt empty.

I'm losing my voice.

Post-Travail Events

So I finished work at 5:30 today, wait. It was more like 5:50 by the time I got outta there. I went to Rogers to return a SIM card I had bought only minutes earlier and somehow found myself flirting with the odd-looking rep... in French! That rarely happens :P

After that I ran into a friend I haven't really seen in a while, she asked me to go to Chee... I mean Campus Mckay. I was also invited to the Irish Embassy, all the while I'm supposed to get au Centreville avec Vince a soir. Il est vraiment chill sauf il parle de son ex un peu trop....

The new 'group' consisting of former TBS lead guitarist Fred Maccia..something-or-other is, well... 'fun'. Its pretty innocent really. Very basic, like Lego blocks. Scratch that... like their cheap Canadian counterpart-- MegaBlocks... what?!

One last thing: NIXON WATCHES ARE THE COOLEST. They are... but the emails that they send you are fucking sweet! Seriously, they're hilarious, and I just received one reminding me about Day Light Savings....

...and then we can play all night.

Cross the street from your storefront cemetery
Hear me hailing from inside and realize I

I am the conscience clear
In pain or ecstasy
And we were all weaned my dear
Upon the same fatigue

You're staring at the sun
(Oh my own voice cannot save me now)
Standing in the sea
(It's just one more breath and then down I go)

Your mouth is open wide
The lover is inside
And all the tumults done
Collided with the sign
You're staring at the sun
You're standing in the sea
Your body's over me

Note the trees because
The dirt is temporary
More to mine than fact face
Name and monetary

Beat the skins and let the
Loose lips kiss you clean
Quietly pour out like light
Like light, like answering the sun

You're staring at the sun
You're standing in the sea
Your mouth is open wide
You're trying hard to breathe
The water's at your neck
There's lightning in your teeth
Your body's over me

(Be what you will
And then thrown down your life
Oh it's a damned fine game
And we can play all night)

By the summer of '96,

her body was cracked like porcelain...

People say that February is the longest month of the year. Its the shortest... hate to break it to you. I mean sure its cold and dark and depressingly repetitive but those reasons don't make it stretched out for anything more than 31 days.

Now that thats off my chest...


I miss my childhood. Not necessarily my youth-- I'm still young yo! I miss the innocence of being incapable of survival. Right now, I'm surviving and its shocking. Something dies when you grow older, but you do the best you can... the best hasn't been happening the last few days. I find the rewards (of my decisions) weren't half what I hoped for, so this puts me in a introverted mood. Hopefully its not mistaken for being depressed or a depression. I sometimes am tricked into thinking that. It could on the other hand, be seasonal. Its difficult to meet someone who despises summertime. There are so many ways to kill time its surreal. Summer in Montreal is great too. I like summer.

Erosion

"The same mistakes we made as cavemen" says Mr.
    Whittier, "we still make."
    So maybe we're supposed to fight and hate and torture
        each other...

Mr. Whittier rolls his wheelchair to the edge of the stage,
    with his spotted hands, his bald head.
    The folds of his slack face seem to hang
    from his too-big eyes, his cloudy, watery-gray eyes.
The ring looped through one of his nostrils, the earphones
    of his CD player looped around the
    wrinkles and folds of his beef-jerky neck.

Onstage, instead of a spotlight, a black-and-white movie
    fragment:
    Mr. Whittier's head is wallpapered with newsreel armies
        marching.
    His mouth and eyes lost in the shadow boots
        and bayonets that worm across his cheeks.

He says, "Maybe suffering and misery is the point of life."
    Consider that the earth is a processing plant, a factory.
Picture a tumbler used to polish rocks:
    A rolling drum filled with water and sand.
    Consider that your soul is dropped in an ugly rock,
    some raw material or a natural resource, crude oil,
       mineral ore.
    And all conflict and pain is just the abrasive that rubs us,
    polishes our souls, refines us,
    teaches and finishes us over lifetime after lifetime.
Then consider that you've chosen to jump in, again and
    again,
    knowing this suffering is your entire reason for coming to
       earth.
Mr. Whittier, his teeth crowded too many in his narrow
    jawbone,
    his dead-tumbleweed eyebrows, Mr. Whittier's bat-wing
       ears spread wide
    with the shadow armies marching across,
    he says,
    "The only alternative is, we're all just eternally stupid."

We fight wars. We fight for peace. We fight hunger. We love
    to fight.
    We fight and fight and fight, with our guns or mouths or
        money.
    And the planet is never one lick better than it was before
       us.

Leaning forward, both his clawed on the arms of his
    wheelchair,
    as the newsreel armies march over his face, those
       moving tattoos
    of their machine guns and tanks and artillery,
    Mr. Whittier says: "Maybe we're living the exact way we're
       meant to live."
Maybe our factory planet is processing our souls...just
    fine.

Grandma's Boy

So the maternal g-ma was in this weekend.... joy! I love her and all, but my tolerance level was near the mid-to-low 20%. Yeah... i rank my tolerance in percentages. Basically she was here for the moral support, help my mom post re-constructive surgery. I don't know how much of a help she was. I had to get out of the house as much as possible this weekend. Too many bodies. Like most other grandmothers, she has a mild drinking problem. Its admirable. I mean, its not like she's an alcoholic, No one in my family is an alcoholic.... :|

Note: I had gone out drinking the night she arrived and the day before her departure....she was here for 3 days

So I coped with being annoyed pretty much the same way everyone else in my family does.... no bigs. Anyway... I've been listening to the new Jack Johnson album a lot... probably because i've been sleeping through the static? yeah... probably. There is a lot of static in my day-to-day. Interference and feedback included. Its cool though, i know it'll fade out soon. I'd give it a week or so.