There's a First Time for E'erthing

This is the first time in a long time I've taken a joint to bed. Last time was the best time. I had company and it was fine. I had patience and it was fine. I had peace of mind. It was fine.

...

I cannot help but express the deepest gratitude for the people who stay truest to you. It is strange, but this sentiment can only be found in the people that are closest to you, yet the least intimate at the same time. I mean, yeah, I did almost sleep with me best friend, but that was something that helped the pair of us. I was actually able to appreciate something in all of that. It created this mutual, long-lasting, and profound admiration for one another.

And now as I realize that this wasn't such a good idea to have plastered over the internet. I still find comfort in my anonymity. What the fuck do I care though.

P&L.

Directions

Since the end of summer many paths toward the unknown were started. I didn't stray very far from my point of origin for fear that I'd be lost in the world without a tether, but now I can proudly say that I have sought and found direction. I have a goal in mind. I have a plan in motion. I have set out on my path of absolution.

The next few years will be undoubtedly challenging. I will be returning to academia in the next little while and I feel that I have finally been submerged in what many call the real world. To me, this real world is simply a course along a long path that will never actually conclude. I intend on taking a significant liking to this format of expression and making a career out of it.

Short-term goals and ambitions have been put on hold. Long-term ideas have been set. Temptation will follow me where ever I go, but I will stay on course and look out for myself for a change. Watch me rise.

S.

EG

I had a really good night last night, we're both in the same place.

I does get easier. I promise.

Another Day, Another Dilemma

I've acquired fully-blown restless leg syndrome (RLS). It isn't pretty. Between that and the horrible habit that is smoking, I'm a wreck of nerves. I manage it rather well, but give me 5 minutes of doing nothing, or worse- waiting, and I'm pretty much doing jumping jacks for no reason.

I'm awaiting the new roommate to settle into my old place. The place where memories were had and lives and emotions were forsaken. Many decisions were presented in the dwelling that I occupy, many highs were had and many lows were magnified. All of this, however, was a means to an end. Do I believe in fate? Possibly. Do I know that my destiny is in my own hands? Yes.

The next few ____ will undoubtedly be interesting. I haven't had solace in a while. I haven't been on my own in a while. I look forward to adventuring into the unknown on my own. It will happen shortly. I don't expect much help, nor do I want any, but some company would be appreciated.

P&L

My suitcase is packed with all your heartbeats. So I walk to their sound and head towards the sun

It seem as if I only ever turn to this venue of expression in dark times. In re-reading what I have posted it is easy to notice the changes in my mindset. I began blogging as an attempt to document my overall adjustment as I discover who I really am. Years later, it seems as if I am still in the process of finding that out. Changes are the overall theme of each and every post, and this change was never supposed to happen.

Much of the demise of my latest relationship should be attributed to my own actions, although they are not. Whenever people ask me how or why we split, it always comes back to a mutual discontent with who we each became and how we both dealt with our lack of happiness. Personally, love is an intense emotion that cannot be denied and for the last few months I have reallocated that emotion, but have never denied it. This isn't necessarily bad, but obviously not ideal when you have entered a commitment as real as the one I was in.

Bottom line, I am here to move forward. Once all is said and done, and all loose ends have been tied up, I will without a doubt focus my efforts into erasing whatever changes (and compromises) I have made in my self. While I did not mind the alterations I made to my own fibre, it is still obvious to most that I wasn't me. I was a shell of me but didn't really know it. I simply attributed the changes to being a part of growing up. In hindsight, this was not the case. While both aspects of the my evolution complimented one another, I am still back at square one: discovering who I am.

Returning to my previous posts, I see exactly what I need to do. I need to travel. I need to experience. I need to live. I have always maintained a desire to be elsewhere. While I am grateful to have experienced what I have with this last relationship, I know that it has only added fuel to my fire. It has simply made me want to scratch the travel itch that much more. I now know that it is in my capacity to embark on this journey alone. Previously, I have desired a companion in most of my journeys, specifically that of the female variety. While I would embrace the possibility of going off on adventures with a female friend, there aren't many that can cut it.

I cannot help but call my recent actions into question. Why did I decide to neglect certain responsibilities? Was it because I was done but didn't know it? Was it because I was mirroring what was most common in my relationship? Was it because that is all I know? I really hope to answer this question soon. Otherwise I will always be on the go.

The coming years are something many are looking forward to. On a personal level, this is when I embark on a journey into the unknown. As long as I have my iPod and my laptop, I should be more than fine. I am in the process of figuring out where I will go and what I will do, but I can guarantee that it will certainly not involve the person who has neglected the efforts I have put forward over the last two years. She has asked me not to hate her forever. I will not. The truth is, the emotion I feel towards her surpasses hate. I loath her for her actions and selfishness. It probably didn't need to get to that point, but neither of us helped that situation out.

Many people have provided this generic line of advice: Time heals all wounds.

I say fuck that. These wounds will heal on there own and the scars they leave will be reminders of what I will never do again. There is no doubt this entire ordeal will shape my future interactions with many people, but it is how I deal with this that defines who I am (at this point anyway). While I may have some regrets within the relationship, I have yet to regret the way I've handled the end of it all. I find that whenever something comes to its demise, I am well-equipped with the emotional prowess needed to move forward.

-dig a hole in the middle of the street, dig it down, dig it down six feet deep. you should know what's really going down below...

Montreal: January 12th, 2010

I wake up before my alarm. Its not even 6am. Thankfully the Gravol and Heineken put me to sleep for a few hours. My nerves continue to get the best of me as I stroll into work at 7:30, coffee in hand. I'm sure people are sick of hearing about me going to Peru but by 4 o'clock everyone is wishing me the best and saying goodbye. As expected, I hit rush hour traffic. It'll keep me in line so I don't mind. The last thing i want is to be screwed out of this awesome trip.

I cross the border around 6. Its pretty routine. Where are you from? Where are you going? Have you ever been arrested? As soon as I get the go ahead my anxiety fades and I drive off into the American darkness. Within 30 seconds I see a shooting star. A glimpse of things to come? Yes.

The long drive ahead is nothing unfamiliar. I've done it before but rarely has it been alone. I try to keep my thoughts focused on where I'll be this time tomorrow: Miami. Halfway to Peru. I decide to take a break in Plattsburgh mainly out of nostalgia. As a kid, I would spend weeks at a time at my grandparent's place in upstate New York. I pull into a Big K-Mart parking lot and stretch my legs and take a bathroom break. Its only for five minutes so as not to lose time.

I hit the road again and I'm blanketed in darkness. My GPS rambles directions that I ignore because I'll be on the I-87 for another few hours. My iPod is the only friend I have for now.

Getting closer to my destination, I have to start paying tolls. Being a Montreal native I barely understand how things work. I take the card and drive off trying to figure out where I'll be exiting and how much I'll have to pay. Two lanes become three, and three change back to two. The oncoming headlights become the faces of my fellow travellers and they seem to be staring at me. I squint trough their hi-beam glares and press forward. When my GPS tells me to take the next exit I double check the toll card and try to figure out how much cash I'll need. I slow down to about 30 km/h to double check, thankfully no one was behind me. As a take the off ramp I rely heavily on my multitasking. I turn a corner and come to a halt. A deer slowly walks across the road and doesn't even acknowledge the car. It was really eerie, normally they would be super alert and stare right at you. This deer is different; it is young but not a baby. Its also injured. As it makes it's way to the other side into the forest I honk my horn a couple times hoping that it gets spooked and runs off. As I come to the toll, I do my part and let the man in the booth know in case something happens. He says he already called it in.

Now I'm about 40 minutes away from the Taconic Parkway, which at this hour is likely a desolate stretch of road. My last leg. To get there I drive along a rural route where it is impossible to keep track of the random symbols of American patriotism. They dot the sides of the road in the form of massive American flags or decorated mailboxes and even an old Chevrolet painted with the star spangled banner. Its about 8:30pm and my Red Bull has worn off. Thankfully it isn't too cold to open up the sun roof. As I do so I realize how clear it is and glance at the sky from time to time.

My last leg of the drive starts at what appears to be someone's driveway. The on ramp to the Taconic is short and secluded but I remember it from my last drive up. This is where the fun begins. The speed limit calls for 55 mph. I oblige it as cops literally hide in the trees waiting for someone to slip up. I've already passed a half dozen state troopers who have pulled people over and a few more staked out waiting. After a few minutes I decide to speed up to 60 mph or 100 km/h. Its perfectly safe and not above the flow of the one other car on the road. The winding road is playing tricks on me. The car ahead disappears at least three times.

The trees along the side of the road seem to engulf and surround me as I veer from one lane to the other anticipating the turns. My music is loud and the sun roof is open and I have a smile on my face yet again. My iPod jumps to the next artist in line which is Fever Ray. She is one half of the Swedish electro band The Knife and I have yet to listen to her album. Each track is more bizarre than the last but her ambiance-like music keeps me mellow and focused. Every once and a while eclectic noises find their way into the song and I think that they're from outside. It startles me a bit but then I realize that it was fitting for my drive.

After 20 or 30 miles I come to a another slow down... more deer. This time its a mother and her fawn. Neither of them are injured so they both perk up. Deer in headlights. There's something about catching a wild animal off guard, especially a deer. They instantly become vulnerable and clumsy yet strangely stay majestic. After analyzing what they've encountered they hurry off into the woods. My heart rate slows back down.

My GPS chirps up again and orders me to take the next exit. This voice actress is really pushy. Next time I'll shell out the cash and get a GPS with a celebrity's voice or something. Nothing like William Shatner telling you to take... the next left... and hit it into... warp speed for 7.6 km.

I drop the car off with minutes to spare. And hurry over to the train station. I miss my ride to Grand Central by six minutes. I guess I shouldn't have stopped off in Plattsburgh. By the time I make it to Manhattan its 12:40, Wednesday morning. I am tired and miserable, and the cab driver knows it. He chats away on his cellphone the entire ride. I'm okay with this since I don't want to do much talking. Once I'm at Kirk's apartment, (not that Kirk...) I have to jimmy the lock. The only problem is I only took cards that are important; driver's license, credit cards and such. I don't want to break them or mess them up and not be able to use them while I'm in Peru. I end up popping the lock with my medicare card and I drop my bags to the floor. I fall onto the couch. I'm not going to sleep. I run down the street to a familiar restaurant and order a slice of pizza and a cheeseburger. With a full stomach I can now focus on sleep. In less than 20 minutes I'm passed out. In less than 20 hours, I'll be in Lima.

Live

Intensity is always a good thing.

Love that is fleeting hurts the least.

A life uncovered is not worth living.

Take the chance, grow up.

Grow Up and Blow Away

This is the life. Life is realizing where you messed shit up. But messing said shit up may result in beneficial results. If this is the life then why does it feel so good to die today?

Contestations

If everything happens for a reason then timing is a bitch. I get that I cannot control everything. Its perfectly normal and perfectly depressing. In the midst of living there are bouts of half-living. Only seeing life through half-opened eyes. The breaths you take are shallow, the steps you take are lazy. Your mind needs to be hot-wired when you wake up (at 3 pm), and you need to convince yourself that its okay that the water in the shower will start off cold.
While this may seem like you are living.... you aren't. We've been told since day one to get a job, buy a house, lease a car. Wear a suit, buy a television... all of this ends up making somebody else more rich, and therefore, more powerful. People have been brain-washed (yes, it is a touchy subject but we all have been indoctrinated) without realizing any of it.
I say don't give in. Sure its great to have an education, but education shouldn't revolve around or be ran like a business. Besides; who decided that you can only learn something substantial and worthwhile in the classroom or auditorium. Academia has failed many, and is the fleeting standard of expectation. That is all academia can provide. Expectations. Hopes, dreams, promises. Nothing real, of course.

In the end, when the human race must come down to a do-or-die decision, our Ivy League graduates aren't going to be put on a pedestal and questioned for their opinions, they'll being doing whatever it is everyone else is. Because they too, have been indoctrinated by the upper echelon of this global society. The New World Order is coming.



note: I've been watching way too many conspiracy documentaries....

A good friend recently told me that I was not a suit. This was comforting. No one wants to be a suit. I've decided that if all goes south, so will I. The complete polar opposite of a suit is a vagabond. If there is no 9-5 future I might as well let the vagabusiness start. Is this possible? I'd love to prove this friend wrong but I don't think it is going to happen anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with wearing a suit to go to work, in the literal sense. Its just that the overall identity behind being a suit is so... expected, calculated, and compromising. Here's to the suit in sheep's clothing. Here's to the wolf that wears a tie. Hopefully they don't get any closer than they need to be.

note: vagabusiness is not what you think it is. pervert.

Stories Yet To Come

There is only so much one person can say when they are faced with an ultimatum of following their heart. It not easy to make that decision. If you do commit to changing your life around and flipping your world on its head, can you undo the mistakes? I wouldn't recommend you undo anything. In fact, no matter what happens, I wouldn't even refer to the bumps in the road as mistakes.
If you managed to get some sort of life experience out of things, then you're already ahead of the people who live the same day over and over again.
Here's a tip: if all goes horribly wrong when you're in the midst of changing your life, run. Go teach in Thailand, build towns in Botswana, catch crabs (not those crabs) in Alaska. Just do something. Live. Do it while your capable of living so you won't be a stuffy old bag who regrets their existence.
The most important aspect of life that many people have forgotten is creativity- you don't need many tools to be creative. A pen and paper is enough to start, and if you make a lot mistakes, I'd suggest an HB pencil. Better yet you shithead... stop reading this and open up a word pad, or paint, or something and let your ideas flow. Don't let your life become an aimless documentary about breathing. Don't think twice or let other people judge you. If you fall on your face, remember that you experienced an exhilarating free-fall on the way down.

Regards

S.

Time Will Tell

What an awful expression. Its so bland and abrupt. What will time tell? No one knows really. I bet it couldn't tell someone they were sorry. I think time is against us all, and its not something people are getting. I mean, as much as you like to think time passes when you are away, everything stays the same... within reason. If the people that matter to you the most stick around then they are the constants in life that so many of us desire. But does one really desire to be that constant? Wouldn't we all rather be the spontaneous? The free spirited soul that makes rash decisions. No one wants to be a stick in the mud.
Regardless of who you've become or who you want to be, home remains universal. Home is what everyone has expectations of. Otherwise, life would not entail risk and people would not have memories.

I Miss You

To see you
When I wake up
Is a gift
I didn't think could be real

To know that you feel the same
As I do
Is a three-fold utopian dream

You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line
If I said
I miss you

I see your picture
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine

You have only been gone ten days
But already I'm wasting away

I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know
That I care
And I miss you

for the rest of us....

Festivus, the age-old tradition that has evolved into the cash-cow consumer crack-pot creating consistent client-craze. I mean, its not everyday that people literally die for that great gift. No matter who you are, you've given in, and you should prepare yourself to be subject to another year of buildup and anticipation. Nevertheless, we will continue to live our lives as drones and leave reality by the wayside.... for the rest of us.

The Elegance of Consequence.

Paralysis. Utter shock and disbelief. The familiarity of disappointment. The hospitality of the desperate. Complete judgment from the ignorant but not the ignored. Unsimplified motives changing human interaction. Snare, bass, snare. Paralysis.

Solitaire

It always seems to happen this way... at first it was 1 week, the next was 2. Both were tough, for different reasons, and in hindsight it seems a little unreasonable for certain people. But the toughest thing I'll ever be forced to endure is this next one. The person who has become a big part of my day-to-day, something I've only let happen to a very small degree once before, is leaving for 2 months.

There is only so much time before she leaves. I have a few weeks before she's out of my reach. i won't be able to touch her face and hear her voice. I guess this is the relationship's first down, it was bound to happy but it won't change us, i know that.

Tarnished

In the weeks leading to the most merry day of the year, I feel, sunken. That's a decent way to describe how it feels. I mean, I'm exhausted from my new job, and the bridges from the previous one have been all but burned... I got my relève d'emploi in the mail today... its cool I guess. Its just another way to look back at all the things that I've done...

Help me out yeah
You know you gotta help me out
Don't you put me on the back burner...

Time Lapse

Its been a while, I'll admit... I just haven't been able to get time to do this. I mean, its not like I have all the time in the world right now, but its nice to get this off my head. Since the last time I blogged, Barack Obama has become President-Elect, I've tripped out on shrooms, and found myself a new job. There are some other things too but I don't necessarily want to jinx them. I'll be heading to Costa Rica in February, it'll be another one of those signature adventures with Danny, I cannot wait.

Rich Kid's Blues

Been having bad times
And I've been paying dues
Got shoes and money
And good friends too

Always play to win
But always seem to lose
That's why I think I got
A rich kid's blues

That's why I think I got a rich kid's blues

And I know what is going on
And I know, but I'll wait til dawn
And I know just exactly what is on your mind
Jumping back, I know if I'm still gonna lose you

But I'm wondering why, girl
Did I ask your name?
And all the people standing by
Oh, they're in my game

Love's just a story
A story without words
Words are almost never seen
And never even heard

I know what is going on
And I know that I'll wait til dawn
And I know just exactly what is on your mind
Jumping back, I know it's all a rut, you want me to prove it to you

Though my good times
Are just paying dues
I've got shoes and money
And good friends too

Though I always play to win
I always seem to lose
That's why I think I got
A rich kid's blues

That's why I think I got a rich kid's blues

I know what's going on
I know what's going on
What's going on
What's going on
What's going on

17,520 hrs later...

It doesn't seem like that long; a lot can happen in two years, but very little can change. There have been many revelations and altercations, many implications and alterations, but I've somehow managed to maintain a personality that reflects on the people around me. As much as I want to escape I also don't want to leave. For the last little while, I've considered myself a realist, but now, I think the best term anyone can use is escapist.

Thankfully I can quench the desire to escape with Halloween- the ultimate dream for anyone wanting to be somewhere else, or someone else....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escapism